Surprise, surprise, I’m a little behind the times. In my defense, I like to stock up on True Blood episodes so I can watch them all in one go. Although this year I probably shouldn’t have even bothered. Why, you ask? It was a total clusterfuck. I honestly think all of the writers caught some Hep V by the middle of the season and went completely batshit. Nothing else explains what happened. Let me tell you what went wrong by wrapping up the season as succinctly as possible.
The beginning of the season has Sookie Stackhouse and the rest of our Scooby Gang up in arms against Bill, who drank a goblet full of Lillith’s blood and has been reborn as Billith (you know…Bill + Lillith= Billith). The Gang thinks Billith is evil, but he convinces Jessica that he’s still good ole mopey pants. He shows off his new powers (creepy bone-bending telekinesis!) and she becomes sure he’s God. As in, the big guy upstairs. Ok then. Sookie and Erik have a moment, but she wants to be old Sookie, resident crazy person and vampire-free waitress, so she kicks him out. Enter Warlow: a vampire-fairy hybrid who’s great at faking injuries. One sexy pot of man, who, it turns out, did not actually kill mommy and daddy out of spite, but because they were going to kill their only daughter and he had to protect Sookie. Did I mention he’s waited for her since the dawn of time and loves her forever and ever amen? Because he does. He is sooooo smitten and she “has feelings for him” which causes her to offer up her ladybits after like 3 days of knowing him. Dry spell over! Also, Jason hates all vamps and screws Sarah Newlin. Yep, she’s baaaack. Andy’s fairy-hybrid daughters are growing at warp speed, but Jessica puts that to a halt when she massacres three of the them in a crazy fit of bloodlust. Cue moral despair.
While none of that seems remotely sane, let us enter the latter half of the season, where we truly enter crazy town. Our vamp friends have all been captured and are in Vamp Camp, a facility run by the Louisiana government. Hitler would be proud of this establishment as Sarah Newlin and her cronies are experimenting on vampires to find ways to attack them. Weapon number one: Hep V, a lethal virus that kills vampires slowly and painfully. Jason repents his vamp hating ways, and goes in to save them all, where he meets Violet, a vampire who instantly claims him and feeds off of him, taunting him, but never putting out. Bill disowns Sookie and tells her to become Warlow’s fairy-vampire bride so he can have access to the hybrid’s blood and walk in the daylight. He and Erik do save the vamps, in an awesome scene where Bill lets all our doomed buddies drink from him. Cue the high vampire volleyball (don’t ask). Warlow switches personalities all the sudden and decides he only wants Sookie so he can fuck her and drink her blood. Wtf? Where did that come from!?!? And by the end of it all Sookie is dating Alcide and Sam Merlotte is mayor. Huh?!
Weirdest scene of the show: the girl fight between True Blood exec and Sarah Newlin. Dumb. Pointless and dumb.
I really don’t understand how this show could continue after this season. I’m sure it will…but I couldn’t say how. And if it DOES continue, but without Erik (who gets fried in the sun on the last episode), I quit. I absolutely will throw in the towel. But I guess we’ll just have to wait until next June to know for sure….